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happen. And in our family dynamics, usually there is an issue that needs to be talked about that no one wants to talk about, the elephant in the room. So, we talk about the issue with somebody else. And so, here's some reasons for not confronting. They can't handle it. They'll be hurt. They won't talk about it. They'll blame others. They'll blame me. They'll get emotional, irrational, illogical, or they'll get even. And so we go to the tribe of Dan paradigm and have this dysfunctional triangulation where we become a backbiter or a listener to talk about a victim that is not present. But the way to break this is so easy to site but so hard to do.

Matthew 18. You heard of that chapter before? Person A go to person B to talk about the issue. Direct communication. Now I had the privilege and opportunity of pastoring in Alaska. I thought God had forsaken me. I said, 'Lord, why? Why? Especially February, I said, Lord, what have I done wrong? What have I done wrong? And looking back, it was one of the best experiences I could have had because let me tell you something about Alaskan culture. In order to live up there, you have to have tough you have be a tough person away from the people in the lower 48. These people are resilient. And another thing, they are very direct.

very direct, which is so not Asian. It's so not Asian. It It just goes against my my grain. So, I'm pastoring an American church right there next to the conference office, Anchorage, and we are going through rocky times, through issues, okay? And I'm trying to be my Asian self, tiptoeing around these situations, dropping innuendos and hints. They don't get it. They don't get it. They come straight up to you, pastor. B. I'm like, and I came to appreciate that. They didn't talk about me behind my back. They went straight up. I knew exactly what they were thinking. And there's something refreshing about that. I'm not saying that we don't have to adapt some of our cultural elements.

There's different ways to skin a cat. Matthew 18. But the principle still remains the same. Talk to the person. Now, here's the thing. Uh I have a whole presentation on this. I don't have all the time to go through them, but uh one of the things that uh Susan Scott brings out that I found to be so brilliant, she says that when you finally make the decision to talk to the person about the elephant in the room, the issue, maybe they've hurt you, maybe they're hurting the organization, maybe they're acting in ways that are hurting people all around them and and someone needs to talk to them and and you you you you're going to do it because it involves you.

She says, "Spend some time beforehand to craft an opening statement." The opening statement, okay, you should practice it, write it out. It should be 60 seconds or less. And she gives these components of the opening statement. All right, here's the first component. Name the issue. The issue named is the issue solved. So there there may be a bunch of issues but try to find a common core issue a theme and and start out according to Susan Scott by saying I want to talk to you rather than I need to talk to you. That minor nuance brings out this element that hey I I desire to resolve this. It's not I have to, I want to. I want to talk to you.

I want indicates the emotional tone in which you're approaching the conversation. She says, "Identify the core issue causing the problem and specific area that it's impacting. If you have multiple concerns about the person, take a step back and ask yourself, what is the common thread? What is the overarching theme that connects most of your frustrations and concerns?" So, so you you name the issue. You name the issue. And here here's an example. Tom, I'd like to talk to you how your leadership style is affecting the team. Okay, that's the issue, right? Very simple. I want the second thing is select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation that you want to change. The example must be succinct. No long stories. So, think of an example in your opening statement. Tom, I want to talk to you about how your leadership style is affecting the team. For example, yesterday in our team meeting, you screamed in my face and threw the agenda on the floor and

stormed out of the room. Okay. So, so very very clean. Very clean. Uh, there it is. All right. Before we go, there I just read. All right. Number three, express your emotions about the issue. Sharing how someone's behavior affects you is both personal and disarming. It shows vulnerability and helps the other person understand the impact of their actions. Clearly, name your emotions. I feel frustrated. I'm upset. I'm angry. And she brings out that this element is important to articulate how it makes you feel. It hurt me. She says it's important not to demonstrate this, but do it in a calm tone. Okay. Communicating your feelings calmly. Avoid raising your voice or using tense body language. Steer clear of phrases like, "I'm disappointed in you." As it can sound patronizing or condescending.

Number four, clarify what is at stake. Why does this matter? What are the potential consequences for the individual, the team, or the organization? Explicitly use the phrase at stake to emphasize the importance. For example, this is what I believe is at stake. Our organization's reputation is at stake. Your job is at stake. Of course, this is more corporate. Our church dynamics is at stake. Our relationship is at stake. Deliver this message calmly and clearly to ensure it's heard without unnecessary tension. Number five, and I believe this is important, acknowledge your role in the problem. Reflect on how your own actions may have contributed to the issue. Ask yourself, have I done anything that may have influenced or reinforced the very outcome that I'm happy with? There may be some instances where you can't do this, but as much as possible, acknowledge where you contributed to the problem. Here's some examples. I realize I contributed to this problem by not clearly communicating priorities. I

should have spoken up months ago about how this was affecting me. I regret not addressing it sooner. Owning your part fosters accountability and encourages more productive conversations. Number six, express your desire to resolve the issue. Clearly state your intention to find a resolution. Use the word resolve to emphasize your goal. Restate the issue to ensure clarity. Number seven, invite the other person to respond. Encourage an open dialogue by inviting their perspective. Show a gen genuine willingness to listen. I want to understand your perspective. Can you share your thoughts with me? So that's the opening statement. 60 seconds or less. You name the issue. You go through all of these components.

And let me tell you, by nature, I hate doing this. I hate confrontations. It's like scratching a chalkboard. And in my ministry, especially at this one church where I was dealing with a level of toxicity, these conversations were so important because someone had to talk to the individual and everybody looked at the pastor. And so in these convers it's is so delicate and and the thing that I found is when you give the opening line you you put yourself out there and you're just bracing for the response and the things that come out of that other person's mouth after you give the opening statement. It's like so triggering. I'm like it's it's like it's crazy. It's crazy.

And what she brings out is in that moment she says you need to be like a a crucible. You know what crucibles are? They're they're they're like these these things that are made kind of like ceramics that hold the mortant molten metal. It's very fragile if you drop it. So you need to be crucible and let the conversation develop. She says actually shut your mouth and let the other person talk. And typically it's three Ds. Deny, defend, deflect. Those three. Deny, defend, deflect. And she says, "Sometimes there's a misunderstanding. There's new information that comes out that shows you, hey, I was wrong. When they deflect, you bring it back." And this this matter of talking about the issues is so critical because she brings out that if you don't do this the worstc case scenario is going to happen anyway.

And in communities of faith many times people would rather live with cancer than deal with the pain of surgery. They la rather deal with a chronic issue whether it's a family dynamic or dysfunctional church that refuses to have the difficult conversation. Every conversation is an opportunity for transformation. This quote from the book Ministry of Healing is so beautiful. She says, "There's a wonderful power in silence. I remember when I was uh canvasing in in Arkansas back when I was in high school. We'd all pile in this Subaru Justy and be dropped off on these rural roads and sometimes you met some really nice people, but sometimes you didn't. And I remember this day so vividly.

I had a long driveway. I can picture the house. And as I was walking up to this house, this guy came out and he just screamed at me. Four-letter words. I don't remember the details. It's such a blur. He's like, "Get off my property, you." And I've never had this happen before quite like this, but in this moment, and I believe it was the Holy Spirit, I didn't even respond. Complete Silence. Silence. This is like and I slowly walked out of his driveway and uh I felt the impression to walk really slow. So I walked out of his driveway front of the lawn walking. About halfway across the front of his lawn, the guy comes back out and I was like, "Oh no." I thought he was going to be like, I mean, this is this this is Arkansas.

He comes back out. He's like, "Hey." I was like, he said, "Hey, come back here." I was like, "All right." So, I come back and he said, "You know what? I'm sorry. Come on in. you want cookies or milk or he said, "Do you what what are you doing?" I showed him my books. He bought like three of my books and I walked out of that house. I was just stunned. I was stunned. And I thought to myself, if I had responded the same way he had talk to me, I would have lost an opportunity to minister to this individual. These conversations aren't easy. Sometimes they don't end the way that we want them to.

Silence is powerful. I would say even more than that. It's your tone spirit of Jesus shining through you and deep down inside you. You're praying that they can know that that you love them and have their best interest in mind. Last quote from the book Ministry of Healing 486. Under a storm of stinging fault-f finding words, keep the mind stayed upon the word of God. Let mind and heart be stored with God's promises. If you are illreated or wrongfully accused, instead of returning an angry answer, repeat to yourself the precious promises, be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. Let us pray. Father in heaven, we thank you for community.

We thank you for for faith. Sometimes in a family dynamic there's hurts. We make mistakes. Sometimes things can get dysfunctional. And we pray that this side of heaven you would help us to develop a culture in which Matthew 18 is practiced. that we'd practice the principle of speaking well of others, of praying for people that hurt us, and having the courage to with the spirit of Christ to confront difficult situations, to talk about the issue to the person in a spirit of love and compassion. We pray that this side of heaven, you would help us to experience the community and the unity that is expressed in the trinity. And we ask these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Amen. Amen.